Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, December 2, 2017

In the late 1990s, the football coach at Kentucky was Hal Mumme, who I had met while he moved up in college football’s ranks. One day in Lexington he introduced me to his offensive coordinator, Mike Leach, and I immediately latched onto him, following his career at Texas Tech and currently at Washington State. He is easily one of the best coaches in the country at any level.

Earlier this week my heart skipped a beat when it was revealed UT athletic director John Currie --- who was severely chastised yesterday – had spoken with Leach about becoming the Vols’ head coach. Mike’s WSU team was one game away from the Pac-10 championship before Washington waxed the Cougars, 41-14 in the annual Apple Bowl. Still, a 9-2 record in Pullman ain’t as bad as a 4-8 in Knoxville.

One report coming out of the nigh-crazy scramble was that Currie had reached a verbal agreement with Leach before UT chancellor Beverly Davenport called him back to Knoxville. She promptly suspended Currie, making Phillip Fulmer the interim guy. But this story has nothing to do with any of that.

Several days before last Saturday’s fight for the Apple Cup in the state of Washington Delicious, a sports writer in Pullman asked “The Pirate,” as Leach is sometimes called due to his strong affection for all things Jolly Roger, if he might have a tip or two on marriage. Understand, Leach is known for his hysterical humor and the reporter’s timing couldn’t have been better. (Leach once took his wife on a date to A&W Root Beer and, as she got out of the car, Mike handed a coupon book to her with the words, “Get anything you like …)“

Only by a trace of luck 10 days ago, a couple of camera crews caught Mike’s epic answer and sports people the world over are still laughing… Here is part of what he said:

* * *

A FOOTBALL COACH’S ADVICE ON MARRIAGE

(Taken from a video of Washington State’s Mike Leach)

“My Wisdom would be: You have to stay out of the way...

“When it comes to marriages, the women lose their minds. Your fiancé is going to lose her mind. Your mother in law is going to lose her mind. Your mom is going to lose her mind...

“They’re going to barrage you with constant questions. What should we wear? To which my answer is: I don’t care. What color should the invitations be? I don’t care. What should be have for dessert? I don’t care.

“You see, I don’t care is not satisfactory at all. You’re going to get caught in a catch-22, and I’m sure you already have. That Catch-22 is, ‘I want you to be a part of this too!’

“So what color invitations? Alright, the blue ones. ‘I kind of like the tan ones.’ Alright, the tan ones, then. ‘Well, you’re just saying that because you want this over with, you’re not even thinking about it!’ Which is of course, true.

“It’s just going to go back and forth and they’re going to play keep away from you until you’re married. So, what you need to do is work late hours. Be very nice and supportive, but they’re going to play keep away from you and there is no answer you can give that is going to be satisfactory and correct.

“So you need to work late. Go in the back room and read a lot of books. You have to go take the groomsmen out and make sure that they march in just right. In the end, you’ll wish you eloped.

“You need to find excuses that they’ll buy to stay as far out of harm’s way as you possibly can. But take comfort in knowing that once the ceremony is over that life will get progressively better from there, even though there is some adjustment.” (To watch Mike’s rant, click HERE)

* * *

MORE GREAT QUOTES FROM MIKE LEACH

* -- On Texas Tech’s first victory (over New Mexico): “It’s kind of like doing surgery with a chainsaw instead of a scalpel. We had pieces and parts flying everywhere. It turned out in our favor. We’ve just got to clean it up the next time around.”

* -- An admonishment to his players: “If you get into a fight, don’t take your helmet off. We’re looking for smart football players, not dumb ones.”

* -- “Moses was in high school the last time these guys lost a Homecoming game.”

* -- On social media: “I'm not really good with technology. All this button pushing and whatnot. I mean, you can just imagine based on what's happened in the last 15 years. Conversations won't happen 10 years from now. There aren't going to be people to talk to, it's going to be this [mimics pushing buttons]. 'Do you want to go out on a date with me?' 'I don't know, what do you look like?' 'Well I look kind of like this.' 'OK, what are your interests?' 'Well, what do you think my interests are? Looking to this thing and typing into this just like yours are.' 'Yeah, no kidding, that's what everybody's doing.' 'Well, where do you want to go?' 'Well, what difference does it make? Because all we're going to be doing is looking into machines anyways.' Well, that's true and in the end, it's going to be tough to perpetuate the species. There's no question about that. So we're all going to look in this box and eventually be extinct. That's how it ends.”

royexum@aol.com 



Re-elect Joe Graham

Early voting time is here again and our choices couldn’t be more important.  It’s an easy choice though for the voters in Hamilton County District 6.  Joe Graham is the obvious choice.  I’ve known Joe for over 40 years.  I grew up with him.  He was a few years behind me at Lookout Valley High School but even then, I could tell there was something special ... (click for more)

Party Problems In The 30th District House Race

Watching the 30th district house race is very interesting.  It is normal that the front runner in an election can expect some attacks.  However, the vicious attacks that Ms. Helton is facing is unprecedented in my opinion.  Both of these candidates are in the same party.  I was under the impression that party leaders were the ones that challenged a candidate’s ... (click for more)

Man Shot And Killed On Arlington Avenue On Wednesday

A man was shot and killed on Wednesday afternoon on Arlington Avenue at the Bayberry Apartments. Chattanooga Police responded around 5 p.m. and found the victim. Officials said it appeared to be the result of a disorder between the suspect and the victim. The investigation is ongoing.   (click for more)

Firefighters Battle 2-Alarm Fire On Workman Road Tuesday Morning

Chattanooga firefighters were dispatched at 6:03 a.m. on Tuesday, to a commercial fire at 400 Workman Road. When the first firefighters arrived on the scene, flames were shooting through the roof and the request was immediately made for a second alarm response. The flames could be seen for miles as a total of 13 fire companies rushed to the scene. The large, two-story ... (click for more)

English, Ex-East Hamilton Coach, Hired To Lead Whites Creek Boys' Hoops Team

Rodney English, former boys’ basketball coach at East Hamilton, recently was named to a similar job at Whites Creek High School in Nashville. The move was made public Monday when English’s name appeared on the official Whites Creek school directory that is annually submitted to the Tennessee Secondary School Athletic Association. The hiring of English at Whites Creek was also ... (click for more)

Vols' Nigel Warrior Named To Bednarik Award Watch List

Tennessee junior defensive back  Nigel Warrior  has been named to the 2018 Bednarik Award Watch List. Warrior is the first Vol to be named to the Bednarik Watch list since the defensive trio of Derek Barnett, Jalen Reeves-Maybin and Cameron Sutton were named to the Bednarik's preliminary list in 2016.   Warrior totaled 83 tackles with 3.5 tackles for loss ... (click for more)