Roy Exum: More Saturday Funnies

Saturday, June 17, 2017 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum
About 40 years ago there appeared a very factual, well-researched story in Time Magazine that had what to me was a phenomenal statistic – over 80 percent of the best comedians in America were Jewish. It even went as far as to insinuate that if the comedian was white, the chances were overwhelming that he or she would be a direct descendant of Israel. And, boy, that standard has stood true for generations.
Jewish people were born with an extra bone in their body – a funny bone – and as one who has adored the Jewish faith for all my life, I have often wondered why comedy is so spectacularly concentrated among the Jews.
In the many years I have followed Billy Crystal, Buddy Hackett, Gilda Radner, “Uncle Miltie” Berle, Groucho Marx and so many others, I believe their biggest appeal is that every one of them loved most to laugh at themselves.
The best explanation might be from Rabbi Yeruchem Eilfort in Califonia, who wrote the Jewish love for laughter was natural. “Actually, it comes from realizing that we are truly nothing compared to the Almighty. Mix in a bit of cynicism (after all, Jews probably invented small print), sarcasm (you do know what that is, right?), and a healthy dose of neurosis (taken from a combination of factors, like Jewish parents and the constant challenge of balancing a physical existence with spiritual goals), and voila! We have the funny Jew.”
Do we ever! From Jerry Seinfeld to Mel Brooks, from Henny Youngman to Don Rickles, each was in a class by himself. So in this edition of the Saturday Funnies, let’s look at some one-liners from the Internet spawned by the best Jewish comedians of all time:
* * *
A SAMPLING OF JEWISH ONE-LINERS
* -- A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic asks, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
* -- “I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport."
* -- “I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!"
* -- “Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did."
* -- We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.”
* -- “My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.”
* -- “My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.”
* -- “My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.”
* -- “The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.”
* -- The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"
* -- The doctor tells the patient, “You'll live to be 60!" The patient replies, “I am 60!” The doctor says, “See! What did I tell you?”
* -- A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest … the man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
* -- Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
* -- A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
* -- Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
* -- Why do most Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
* -- The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason is Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
* -- There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.
* -- Question: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? Answer: The alcohol interferes with their suffering.
* -- Question: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? Answer: It is called, "Debbie Does Dishes."
* -- Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? … They never let anyone finish a sentence.
* -- A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?" The mother says, “Not too good," adding, “I've been very weak." The son asked, "Why are you so weak?" She replied, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."
* -- A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.
* -- A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
* -- Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? Under the vacuum cleaner.
* -- How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
* -- A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says, "What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?"
* -- Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
* -- What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? Answer: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
* -- Why are Jewish Men circumcised? Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.
* * *
ONE MAN’S OBSERVATIONS
(Taken from the Internet)
 
* -- I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.  Not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
* -- Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
* -- I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
* -- When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body ... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
* -- Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
* -- America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
* -- You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
* -- Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
* -- My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that!
* -- I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
* -- Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
* -- You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
* -- If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
* -- I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”
* -- My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
* -- My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
* -- Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!
* -- The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
* -- The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
* -- I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
* -- Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
* -- The reason “Mayberry” was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

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