Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, January 13, 2018 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum
As we search for a bit of inspiration as the temperature falls once again below freezing, here’s a little something to put things in perspective. Per my custom in the Saturday Funnies, I did not write this but collect the following tidbits that are sent to me during the week by others who adore emotion.
 After a forest fire in Yellowstone National Park, a group of forest rangers began their trek up a mountain to assess the inferno’s damage.
One ranger found a bird literally petrified in ashes, perched statuesquely on the ground at the base of a tree. Somewhat sickened by the eerie sight, he knocked over the bird with a stick.
When he gently struck it, three tiny chicks scurried from under their dead mother’s wings. The loving mother, keenly aware of impending disaster, had carried her offspring to the base of the tree and had gathered them under her wings, instinctively knowing that the toxic smoke would rise. She could have flown to safety but had refused to abandon her babies. Then the blaze had arrived and as the heat had scorched her small body, the mother had remained steadfast … because she had been willing to die, so those under the cover of her wings would live.
‘He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge.’ -- Psalm 91:4
Being loved this much should make a difference in your life. Remember the One who loves you, and then be different because of it. My instructions were to send this to people that I wanted God to bless and I picked you. Please pass this on to people you want to be blessed. Time waits for no one. Treasure every moment you have. You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.
To realize the value of a friend -- lose one.
* * *
WHAT EVERY FOUR-YEAR-OLD NEEDS TO KNOW

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'

His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse’

‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.  And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.’

* * *

THE BEST SIGNS SEEN IN 2017

* -- A sign in a shoe shop in Vancouver proclaims, “We will heel you. We will save your sole. We will even dye for you.

* -- On the back of a blinds-and-curtain truck: “Blind man driving.”

* -- Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: “Dr. Ramsey, at your cervix.”

* -- In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels.”

* -- On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

* -- At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.”

* -- On a Plumber's truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

* -- On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

* -- At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout.”

* -- On an Electrician's truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

* -- In a Non-smoking Area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

* -- On a Maternity Room door: “Push. Push. Push.”

* -- At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”

* -- Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

* -- In a Veterinarian's waiting room: “"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

* -- At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.  However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”

* -- In a Restaurant window: “Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

* -- In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully. We'll wait.”

* -- At a Propane Filling Station: “Thank Heaven for little grills.”

* -- In a Chicago Radiator Shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”

And the best one for last…

* -- Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

* * *

IF YOU CANNOT AFFORD A COLONOSCOPY …

A reader sends this fool-proof way to get a free colonoscopy: Go to any airport and you’ll get a free X-ray and breast exam as you go through security. Just as you are waved through, simply say, “Does it matter if I am a member of Al Qaeda?” One colonoscopy coming right up!

* * *

A LITTLE GIRL WONDERS ABOUT THE HUMAN RACE

A little girl asked her father: ‘How did the human race appear?’

The father answered, ‘God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.’

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.

The mother answered, ‘Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.’

The confused girl returned to her father and said, ‘Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?’

The father answered, ‘Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers.’

* * *

IS THIS RACIAL PROFILING?

I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the Los Angeles International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?

He says "No, I don't. And furthermore, why the heck would you ask me that? Is it because I'm Chinese?

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, jerk!"

* * *

ONE DOZEN IMPORTANT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE

1. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently-talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time. On a hill. In the fog.

7. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

8. The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

1O. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

11. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

12. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty

* * *

THE SATURDAY FUNNIES CREED

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,

Give me the grace to see a joke,

To get some humor out of life,

And pass it on to other folk.

royexum@aol.com



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